Holy Sh*t, It’s 2013!


“How did it get so late so soon?”
– Dr. Suess

So I was kicking it old school yesterday and writing a check when it hit me, I mean really hit me, that it is 2013. You’d think the abbreviated work schedule, hoards of chubby mid-westerners and oddly clad Europeans around midtown would have tipped me off, but I guess my mind was elsewhere. And yes, even in today’s digital age, I still write the odd check now and then (it’s nice to have reached a tax bracket where writing a check is no longer a delay tactic). So it’s 2013. The big two zero one three.

I, much like so many other people, am wondering where does the time go? I’m thinking when you reach a certain age time resides somewhere in our midsection. Personally, I think the past 20 years have all settled in my stomach and my liver. Oh sure, I’d like to think I’ve learned a lot and that the time that has passed and its cumulative knowledge is be-bopping around the synapses in my brain, but somehow when I see myself naked, I think all that is in my belly. I suppose the time is also in the bones cracking and in the giant expulsion of air released when I bend down to pick up the dogs poop.

Maybe I am at the age where I need to start sitting in a rocking chair yelling at kids to get off my lawn. But I live on the 8th floor in Brooklyn, New York so the lack of both prevent me from doing that. I could always stand outside my building and yell at cars to slow down but that job is already taken by an aging hipster wearing a Yes concert jersey. My fear of progressive rock fans, confrontation and sheer awe at the spectacular condition of the jersey prevent from from muscling in on his turf. Besides, despite the midsection blues, bones creaking and air expulsion, I still feel pretty young.

Nonetheless, it is a new year and with it comes resolutions. A tradition as American as obesity, unemployment and methamphetamine abuse. Now, as I have gotten older I’ve realized the importance of setting goals and reaching those goals so I tried to make these attainable; but since it took me 20 years to get my BA, I can’t say I will get to ALL of these this year, but I will get to them. Being a blogger I would be remiss if I didn’t share some of my own resolutions so without further adieu, my 2013 resolutions:

  1. Continue my ban of Cool Ranch flavored Doritos.
  2. Finally get rid of my roller blades.
  3. Eat more vegetables.
  4. Master calligraphy.
  5. Not gloat about having already seen season 3 of Downton Abbey.
  6. Not reveal any plot points about season 3 of Downton Abbey (bur really Julian Fellowes? REALLY?!).
  7. Drink less crunk.
  8. Avoid prison.
  9. Work out more.
  10. Stop calling my cat “chubby”, “chubstress”,  “orson”,  “fat fuck”, “mamma cass” and acknowledge that she is just big boned.
  11. Keep my beard trimmed.
  12. Drink more smoothies.
  13. Watch less ID Discovery.
  14. Accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.
  15. Stop thinking that every sketch on “Portalndia” is referring to Williamsburg.
  16. Meditate more, cry less.
  17. Put the finishing touches on my first musical “Mansquito”.

Maybe some of these are real, maybe some of these are not. Maybe some of them are attainable, maybe some of them are not. Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don’t. ’nuff said.
As the new year dawns on us all, here’s to wishing you all a happy, prosperous and Cool Ranch Doritos free year!