Arrogance in question

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Here I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6am on Saturday.  Great.  I can’t sleep for shit these days.

I was wondering yesterday what exactly it is about me that makes me think my life is so important that I need to blog about it.  I mean, am I really that self involved that I feel compelled to discuss the banality of my life?  Furthermore, who the fuck really cares?  Am I that much of a narcissist?  Who the hell actually bothers reading outside of anyone I know?  Right?

Look, my life is not that important or exciting really.  Although, it is rather funny to me how other people will look at me and what I am doing and think it interesting, “I don’t know where you get the energy to do all that”.  I will tell you where I get the energy, I want more out of my life.  I want to live.  I want to laugh.  I want to hurt.  I want to cry.  I don’t want to just do what I do to pay the bills.  I am blessed to have my job, but it in no way comes close to defining who I am.  Nothing about me is all that interesting.  Well, it isn’t to me.  I am just looking to express myself the best way I know how to, as often as I can and in as many ways as possible.  Perhaps it is arrogant to think I may actually have something to say.  Fuck it.  I don’t feel arrogant.

Sure, a couple of weeks ago, I started writing this to help me work through my break-up with the X and to find a way to communicate to her what I was thinking and feeling in the event she ever decided to read this shit.  I don’t know if she has or hasn’t.  Frankly, I don’t care all that much.  If she has, I hope the writing had its intended impact.  In my fantasy world, she read it and sobbed and second guessed herself.  But knowing her as I do, if she did she wouldn’t reach out and sure as hell would never acknowledge it.  But outside of the odd line here and there, I can’t imagine I have too much more to say about her or the relationship I had with her anymore.  It’s done.  Time to grieve so that I can move on and find someone knew.  Hopefully, someone more accepting, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful, less stubborn…more like me…with boobs and a vagina.  If you are someone like that or you know someone like that, inquire within. (serious inquiries only) OK, that last sentence WAS directed at her, should she stumble upon this post.  The X was a fine girl, she just is selfish, but then so am I so I get to say that free of insult to her.

While I do many things in my life, I don’t know why I feel it necessary to write about them here.  And I don’t write about my life minute by minute, Christ, I barely care enough about it like that and I have to live it.  So, really, what makes me think I am so important that I feel I need to share with the internets what I am doing?  Is this a personally diary?  No, that would be silly to post that on line and BORING.  So, I am grappling with why I do this.  I want to say it is to sharpen my writing and I think that is mostly true.  It forces me to write and try to create something coherent to say.  Frequently.  I think I succeed more than I don’t.

But really, I don’t have all that much to say.  I can probably sum up my life’s philosophy in a few bullet points, but I am not going to.  My life.  My rules.  Get your own.  However, I do think I will keep writing this blog sorting through whatever it is that is on my mind.  And for the past day, I was battling whether or not I really had a life worth blogging about.  Frankly, I don’t but then who does really?  Well, I certainly don’t have too much to say unless I am getting my heart jammed down the garbage disposal by someone I love.  That seems to happen a little more than I would like it to.  But that’s livin’ ain’t it?  You can’t know love unless you’ve known loss.  You can’t know happiness unless you’ve known sadness.  You can’t know the right one until you’ve known the wrong one.  Life works like that.

So, if you are taking the time to read this, firstly, thank you.  Secondly, I hope you laugh here and there.  Lastly…lastly….well, there is no lastly.  Hopefully, you will continue to pop in from time to time and see what I may or may not be rambling about.

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